Another Mother's Day Post

Mother's Day makes me sad.

There, I said it.

I have 2 amazing, beautiful children.  Today, I was given a beautiful breakfast (chocolate croissants and breakfast burritos), and every year, my daughter has made me a beautiful plate or ceramic bowl with her handprint.  I cherish every single one of them.  This year, my infant son was able to contribute his handprint to the Mother's Day gift.  These gifts are so tender, so sweet, and I am always so happy to receive them.

So why am I sad?

As you all know, I have walked down the path of infertility and loss.  Motherhood did come come easily (or cheaply) for me.  We have experienced the most heart-breaking losses and the most beautiful blessings, and I truly know that each of my children is a gift from God.  But I am sad, because as beautiful as each of my children's birth stories is, each story is also a story of pain and loss.

Lydia came from the amazing gift of traditional adoption.  Her situation is what is known as a "stork drop."  We got a phone call that a baby had already been born and was in need of a forever family.  She was 3 days old when we met her, and 4 days old when she came home to live with us.  I had never been so happy, or so in love.

But, while I was happy, she has another mother.  Her first mother - her tummy mother.  While this woman had chosen a closed adoption, and chose not to meet us, she still gave my daughter life.  She went through the grief and sorrow of bringing a child into the world, but of giving her a different life.  We are forever grateful, but my heart will always ache for this woman - though I say prayers of gratitude for her daily.

I always wanted several children.  We tried to adopt again and again, but each time it was not right.  Situations would come up, but none became anything permanent.  Our hearts were broken several times again - though I do not blame any of these women.  It was just not the right time or the right thing.

Then, our efforts started concentrating on a newer form adoption - called embryo adoption.  Part of me felt like I was missing some of the experiences of "normal" womanhood/motherhood - the feelings of pregnancy, complete with morning sickness, exhaustion, weight gain, labor, etc.  We really felt as though God was leading us in this direction.

And then, we met a donor.  A truly amazing, strong, beautiful woman.  She had been through pain and loss herself and truly understood the pain and joy motherhood brings.  She gave us another beautiful, precious gift - we adopted 2 of her embryos.  Hers is not my story to tell, so I won't get into more of it - just know that we love this woman and say a prayer for her as well every day.  

We transferred both embryos last May, and prayed and hoped that these potential children would grow and thrive.

Yes - a positive pregnancy test!  I was amazed!  I had read so many sad stories of embryos not thriving, of miscarriages, of chemical pregnancies.  I started to panic.

And finally, the ultrasound.  There was a healthy baby!  But, only one.  One of the embryos had not survived.  I still grieve that child.

8 months of pregnancy, 36 hours of labor (and back labor, at that), and 4 hours of pushing, our beautiful Jonah was born.

My heart was full again.  Truly, the happiest moments of my life have been the births of my children (even though I wasn't there for the first one).

And yet, I grieved for the women that gave them life - Lydia's tummy mommy, and Jonah's "seed" mommy.  Their pain and sorrow gave me the greatest gifts I have been given - my truly beautiful children.  And the fact that I am parenting these children does not in any way diminish their roles as my childrens' other mothers.

I have experienced many a Mother's Day when I was not yet a mother, where I cried for that pain.  And after I became a mother, I still cry on this day.  Some are tears of joy, and some are tears for my fellow women who are experiencing pain on this day for different reasons.

I hope that any woman who is reading this today can find joy of some kind on this day.  This is a day of joy.  It is also a day that is so very hard for women, who like me, have experienced some of the greatest sadness and loss because of childlessness, of loss in adoption, of miscarriage.  My heart is with you. I pray for you and grieve with you.  But, I do honor each and every woman, who even though she may not parent a child, still should be honored on this day.   

Embryo Adoption

As I've shared before, my path to motherhood has not been easy.  After a long time of expensive testing, fertility medication, surgeries, and more, Steve and I were told that we would not be able to have biological children.  Ever.  Not even with IUIs, IVF procedures, and all of the other fancy things they can do.  Of course, we were depressed, but knew that we wanted to be parents, and prayed to God that He would find a way for us to do so.

As most of you know, the answer to that prayer came in December 2009, when we got the phone call that there was a little girl in the hospital who needed a family.  Lydia is the light and life of our lives, and we thank God every day for her.

A few years after Lydia was born, I started feeling promptings that we should begin again to expand our family.  But there were so many obstacles!  Steve was beginning grad school (again, working on his PhD), and we were barely scraping by on my teacher's salary.  But, we started saving all the money we could.  I started selling a couple of things on the side (leggings and Usborne books), teaching private lessons, and doing all that I could to save up the $20,000+ dollars we needed.  But, we had moved to Kansas from Georgia, and basically all of the extra money I was earning was paying mortgage on the house we still owned (we had put it up for sale with no buyers).  We met with an adoption agency, but it didn't feel right.  We kept saving.  After almost 4 years, we finally sold that house - but took a huge hit, so all of our savings and then some went towards that.  That whole time, I was thinking "Why us?  Why do we have these promptings to become parents, yet we can't seem to save the money we needed because life keeps happening?"  We met with another adoption agency, and it still didn't feel right.

But at the same time, I started researching our infertility issues.  And I discovered this miraculous thing called "embryo adoption."  The more I read, the more I thought - "hey - this could work for us!"  This process is best explained here, but essentially, when couples go through the IVF process, they sometimes have fertilized embryos kept in frozen storage.  When those couples decide they are done having their family, they can choose to do a few things with the embryos - one of which is donate them to somebody like me.  I could essentially be my own surrogate.  The idea was intriguing, but also kind of weird.  We thought about it for a long time, but the more we thought, and the more we prayed, the more right this felt.

When Steve was offered his job in Nashville, we finally could begin saving in earnest.  We met with a fertility clinic, and our doctor said we would be great candidates for this procedure.  It is still expensive, but children are always worth it!

Things finally felt right.  I feel that God has led our paths here, to this place, to this situation.  I feel that my husband was led to the job he has (he loves it), and that we were led to find embryo adoption.  I'm excited to see what the future can bring - and maybe, just maybe, Lydia can become a big sister soon!

Nashville Tourists: The Lotz House

We've moved around a lot.  And I mean a lot.  One regret we always have is that we never get around to seeing all of the cool stuff around us, because we're "locals" and "too busy" for that.

We decided to change, and see some of the touristy-stuff occasionally.  We've gone to the zoo and some nature walks, but I thought I'd highlight some of the historic and cool places occasionally.  So, I was surfing around on Groupon and found a deal for the Lotz House.  This is a house that has some cool Civil War memorabilia, and has a pretty cool history.  An average family woke up one day to find themselves basically in the middle of a battle, and that's pretty much what the tour is about.  The guide walks you through the house, gives you a lot of info about the battle, and points out some cool objects - including blood stains on the wood floor from the Civil War.  It's kind of cool to have a little piece of history so close!

https://www.lotzhouse.com/

https://www.groupon.com/deals/lotz-house-museum-3

My plans vs. God's plans

Teenagers think they know everything.  We've all heard that - but in my case - it was true!  Or so I thought.  I had everything worked out.  I was going to go to college, go on a mission, come home, graduate and find a really amazing guy, get married at 25, have 4 kids, be the most amazing mom/teacher/human being, and life was going to be perfect.

I told my plans to God.  I think He must have had a laugh.

My plans kind of worked out.  And then they didn't.  But, I think life is even better than what I had planned.

I did go to college - Music Education major at Utah State University.  Check!
I did go on a mission - Hong Kong, China.  I sort of learned to speak Chinese, which is pretty cool.  Check!
I found an amazing man before graduation, so I got married at 23 - but I figured that was ok.  It was definitely the right decision.

 



So far, life was working out pretty much according to plan.  And then it didn't.

As I've explained earlier, we had quite the time in our journey to become parents.  I thought it was going to be so easy - after all, we both come from large families.  I have 6 younger sisters (total of 7 girls!), and Steve comes from a family of 6 kids.

So, we both pursued graduate school (this had not been in plan, not really).  I was able to get better at teaching, and get more experience.  Steve was able to figure out what he really wanted to do with his life.  I think we both learned to trust God more.  I learned that life was not always perfect, but that God always had us in mind.
After 6 years of marriage, Lydia finally came into our lives.  If life had gone according to my plan, we probably would have had at least 2 or 3 kids by then.  But, I think in praying and waiting for her, we were able to grow into adulthood/parenthood a little better.  All I know for sure is that she is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to us.

I mean, just look at this most angelic face!

I'm not sure how many kids God has planned for us.  I really hope Lydia gets a sibling someday!  But now, I'm just grateful for the blessings I have, and I'm learning to trust in God's plan.

Mother's Day

Phone calls.  They have changed my life.  Mother's Day - a day that I struggle with every year, even after I became a mother.

It was such a whirlwind.  We got a phone call on a Wednesday night, saying to be ready in case we were chosen.  On Thursday morning, we got another phone call - it was us!  We were chosen to be parents to a baby girl that had been born a couple of days ago.

Of course, it happened at the worst possible time.  Things like this always do.  I was a high school choir teacher, and the phone call came in the middle of a dress rehearsal for our winter concert - to be held that night.  Steve was in the middle of finals week during a particularly busy semester as a Master's Degree student at Ohio State.

We rushed to the hospital as soon as my concert was over, but visiting hours were over, and I couldn't meet my baby girl.  I sobbed all night.  The next day was spent rushing to put things in order - finding a long-term substitute so I could stay home for a few weeks with my baby - born 5 weeks early.  Of course, I also had to take my choir kids on a field trip that day :)

We rushed back to the hospital as soon as the last bell rang, and finally we met her.  Our precious Lydia.  I fell in love immediately and couldn't stop holding her.  I reluctantly passed her over to my husband occasionally, but we had waited for so long.....

Lydia has grown into such a beautiful young lady.  She is smart and funny and creative, and every day I marvel that I was chosen to be her mom.

Except, I don't know why - but it hit me pretty hard this year on Mother's Day.  I am not this little girl's first mother.  I've known this, and Lydia knows she is adopted.  We are very open about this with her.

We never met Lydia's birth mother.  She chose to have a closed adoption.  We wanted to respect her wishes.

My happiness at becoming a mother surely meant there was sadness and grieving on the part of another.  I can't even begin to imagine what this other woman went through - the months of growing another human being inside of her, feeling her kick and move, to know that she would not parent this child.  I don't know her name or what she's doing right now, but I say a prayer of gratitude for her every day.  I'm not sure exactly why she chose adoption for this child, why she felt she couldn't parent her, but I am grateful.  I hope that she knows how much she has changed my life.  I hope that she feels peace with her decision.  I hope she feels of God's love for her.  I hope she has found happiness and comfort.

Today, I sat in church, listening to the wonderful messages about motherhood and womanhood.  I looked across the room to a couple I love and respect that have just become parents for the first time after years of unanswered questions and sorrows, and my heart went out to them.  I looked at more of my friends, some who have biological children, some who have adopted children, and some who don't have children, and for some reason, just got emotional - thinking about the love that God has for His daughters.  He has blessed us with the capacity to love and nurture His children, whether they are ours biologically or not.  So many women have influenced me in my life - and not all of them mothers.

When my daughter comes to me for comfort, for tickles, for help with a problem - all of these things that so many take for granted - I say a prayer of gratitude to my Father in Heaven that I have a child. I say a prayer for Lydia's first mom, who sacrificed so much for this child to have a life that she couldn't provide, for whatever reasons.

A couple of years ago, I posted on another blog why Mother's Day is so hard for me.  My feelings haven't changed on that.  You can find that here:  http://steveandjayleneadopt.blogspot.com/2015/05/why-i-lovehate-mothers-day.html

The phone call

I was at a state music teacher's convention in Wichita, Kansas, when I got an ominous text from my husband.  "Call me," it stated. "Uh-oh," I thought.  That's never a good sign.

I stepped out into a relatively quiet lobby and dialed.  "I've been offered the job," Steve said.

Now, usually, a wife would be absolutely thrilled that her 37-year-old husband, a perpetual grad student, had entered the realm of the gainfully employed, but this news absolutely devastated me.

Why?  It meant we had to move.  Again.  To Nashville.

I should be used to moving.  After all, in our 13 years of marriage, we have moved 9 - soon to be 10 - times.  Our lives have taken us to some pretty cool places - we started off in Utah, moved to the Phillippines, Ohio, Georgia, and Kansas (we've lived in various places in some of those states) - but maybe I finally felt that we were somewhat settling down.  After all, I have kept the same job for 4 years - the longest I have held any teaching job because of our constant moving.  I love this job - I have wonderful coworkers, an extremely supportive principal, and some of the most amazing kids on the face of the planet.  I love my church family.  We live in a great neighborhood.  Life is - or was, at least - looking like things were moving along in a positive direction.  And now, there were so many unknowns.  Where would we live?  What would I do?  Would I even teach again?  How do we tell our 7-year-old that she's leaving her friends?

I had to take a leap of faith.  I prayed.  I fasted.  

After a lot of complaining about the answers I was getting to my prayers (more on that later), we decided it was the right thing for Steve to accept this job.  He will be the Music Education Specialist for the international headquarters of the Barbershop Harmony Society.  This really has been his dream since he was 11 years old and started singing with his dad's chorus in St. George, Utah.  And I was able to find another teaching job in Fairview, Tennessee.  I don't know what God's plans are for our little family, but things are looking up.  And starting this summer, the Scotts will do Nashville!